Deciding whether — and how — to talk with your pastor about your family member can feel like a big step. You don't have to have this conversation before you're ready, and you don't have to share more than feels right to you. But for many families, opening this door strengthens their connection to their church community and gives them one more place to find support.

​

If it would help, consider reading The Effect of Gender Transition on Communities of Faith before your conversation — it may help you anticipate where your pastor is starting from.

​

You might also choose to speak with your pastor privately first, before involving the wider congregation, if that feels more comfortable.

​

Getting a sense of where your pastor stands

These questions can help you understand your pastor's experience and perspective. Not all will apply to your situation — pick the ones that feel relevant to what your family is facing. They also assume you already have some sense of your church's general teaching on gender identity:

• What has your experience been with other families who have a transgender member?

• Is a transgender individual's salvation in jeopardy if they were a born-again Christian before transitioning?

• Can a transgender person serve in positions of church authority (such as pastor or deacon)?[²]

 

A question worth asking yourself, too

• How can I maintain my faith and my relationship with my transgender family member?[¹]

 

This one is less about your pastor's views and more about your own path forward — but it can be a meaningful one to raise together, since your pastor may be able to offer guidance as you sit with it.

​

When and how to share your family's situation

If and when you feel ready:

• Share your family's situation, to whatever degree feels comfortable to you

• Ask directly: what support can the church offer our family?

 

There's no obligation to share everything at once. Many families start with a smaller disclosure and share more over time, as trust builds.

​

*The citations on this page come from the research literature and other publications and are available upon request.

1. Whitley, 2013

2. Leland, 2017