Reflections on forgiveness

Transgender family member risk factors vs. Forgiveness and reconciliation

While most families are able to maintain a relationship with their transgender member, just under a third may run into difficulties in this area (1). So it is especially important to think about the potential for rejection and/or estrangement and its possible consequences when the transgender family member is a minor. This child is still dependent on his/her parent(s) for support. If the parent(s) reject the child, there is a real risk of relationship difficulties and eventually the possibility of estrangement. Rejection and estrangement could make other pre-existing risks facing transgender youth worse or lead to new risks that parents must carefully consider.

These pre-existing risks include substance use and suicide. Large proportions of transgender youth report using alcohol (70%) and marijuana (44%), as well as engaging in prescription opioid misuse (36%; (2)). Approximately 35% of transgender youth reported attempting suicide in the past year (3). If the parent-child relationship deteriorates and is compounded by rejection and/or estrangement, this situation could lead to foster care involvement or homelessness. While the proportions of transgender youth in the foster system seem small (5%), they are noteworthy because the percent of transgender youth in the US is so small (just 1.8%; (3)). Additionally, about 4% of homeless youth identify as transgender people (4).

When the transgender family member is an adult, the possibility of compounding pre-existing risks with rejection and estrangement look a little different. Transgender adults are at especially at risk for depression and anxiety prior to medical transition such as gender-affirmation surgery (5). About 22% of transgender adults report a past suicide attempt (6). Large proportions of transgender adults say that they engage in binge drinking (47%), marijuana use (40%), illicit drug use (19%), and non-medical use of prescription drugs (26.5%; (7)). Transgender adults represent 0.5% of the homeless population (unlike the percent of transgender youth, this proportion is similar to or less than the estimated proportion of transgender adults in the US, or 0.5-1.3%) and are more likely to experience unsheltered homelessness than non-transgender adults (8).

Due to these risks, when the transgender family member is a dependent, minor child, parents must carefully weigh out the possible consequences of rejection and estrangement. When the transgender family member is an adult and not a dependent, other family members must also weigh out whether rejection or estrangement may compound the pre-existing risks.

What are Christian family members to do when they are faced with these kinds of serious potential consequences?

Forgiveness

Moving through the stages of grief from denial to acceptance when a family member transitions will bring up the need for forgiveness. Parents of transgender youth may realize that they had certain gender-specific expectations for their child that won't be realized if the child transitions to another gender. They may be angry with their child and may need to work through the process of forgiving him/her. The spouse and children of an adult parent who transitions may also experience the need to forgive a member for leaving the role (e.g., husband, wife, father, mother) s/he filled in the family.

Forgiveness is a crisis and a process (9*). Forgiveness is an explicit choice and commitment to continue the process of forgiveness to completion whenever necessary.
Following a crisis, we can choose to either love or hate (10). Edith Eger, a Holocaust survivor, reminds us that following a crisis, no matter how devastating, it is possible to learn to live again and to not be consumed by hatred or resentment.
Rather than a one-time event, forgiveness is sometimes a daily choice. An example of this principle can be found in the mass shooting that occurred in Lancaster County, PA, in 2006, which made national headlines. The shooter killed five Amish girls, injured five girls, and then shot himself in their schoolhouse. Despite all of this trauma, the Amish community worked daily to forgive the shooter after the incident, even going so far as to embrace the shooter’s mother.

Estrangement and Reconciliation

If the transition process has led to estrangement in your family, it may help to know that this is a common experience among all types of families, according to the book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. Although the book doesn’t mention transgender family members specifically, it notes that a family member’s coming out can be a factor that leads to estrangement.

If this has been part of your family’s experience, the book suggests that reconciliation can take many forms and is not limited to “forgiving and forgetting.” A first step in reconciliation is accepting that you and the person you’ve become estranged from may not share the same view of past events that have led to the estrangement. You may decide to reinstate the relationship or redefine it on more limited terms. You might also decide to not be reconciled to the other person and choose not to resume the relationship, but be aware of the negative consequences, especially in the case of someone who is dependent on you.

The book makes other good points about reconciliation:

Some things to think about if you decide to resume or redefine the relationship:
- Figure out what is the least that you can accept in the relationship
- Set clear boundaries regarding the terms under which the relationship should continue
Note that while the majority of people find reconciliation to be a positive event, some people consider estrangement to be a liberating change

*The citations on this page come from the research literature and other publications and are available upon request.

Grant et al, 2011
Johns et al, 2019
Baams et al, 2019
Choi et al, 2015
Dhejne et al, 2016
Herman, Wilson, & Becker, 2017
Keuroghlian et al, 2015; Benotsch et al, 2013
National Alliance to End Homelessness, 2019
Seamands, 1981
Eger, 2017