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What helps family members cope in situations like these?

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  • Educate family members about gender dysphoria as is appropriate for their age.  More information about the causes of gender dysphoria (see "Etiology of Gender Dysphoria") and whether your child may grow out of it or persist (see "The 'Desister' Debate"), as well as current treatment guidelines and certain states' restrictions on them (see "The Effect on Families of State Bills Banning Medical Treatments for Transgender Youth") is available in the "Etiology, treatment, & outcomes" section that is directed at mental health clinicians.  Although this information is written for a clinical audience, other readers may find it to be of interest and be able to learn from it. 

  • Cooperation between parents, support of the extended family for the transition, and family stability (1*) 

    • In addition to family support, support from the community, such as churches​

  • Communication and making meaning come out of the transition (2)

    • Ability to split the biological and gender-related roles.  For example, following the transition of a transgender parent, it may be useful for some children to think of the biological “father” role as separate from the gendered “dad” role​.  The transgender parent will always be the child's biological father, but may not be able to continue in the role as "dad" following transition.​

  • ​Tolerance for ambiguity and the unknown​ (e.g., an absolute, precise family definition), and a willingness to compromise are useful in dealing with ambiguous loss (3)

 

Families can strengthen protective factors to balance out the risk factors for negative outcomes (4)

  • Building continuity (e.g., continuing family activities from the pre-transition to post-transition)

  • Openly answering family members' questions as honestly as possible

  • Helping family members to accept what is happening

    • The Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University offers a family education booklet called Supportive Families, Healthy Children.  While this booklet offers a secular perspective on families accepting their LGBT children, some families may find this information to be useful.  In addition, FAP offers ​a family educational video series called, Families are Forever.

  • Looking for ways to find meaning related to the transition

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Families can also work on strengthening their ability to be resilient.  Resiliency is the ability to positively adapt to new situations, some of them adverse situations (5).  For example, family members might work on:

  • Maintaining a strong spiritual life, individually and together as a family

  • Improving communication skills

  • Developing the ability to manage strong feelings like anger or aggression in a positive way

  • Strengthening family bonds

  • Promoting family members' social ties to school, work, and/or church

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Communication

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For the sake of clear communication, it is important that all family members discuss the potential transition of a family member (as is appropriate for the age and ability of the family members).  The following list includes topics for possible discussions that could occur over a period of time (after an initial discussion in which a transgender family member discloses his/her gender identity).

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  • Engage the family in discussions about what having a transgender identity means and how the family can best support its transgender member.  Here are some potential questions depending on whether the transgender family member is a parent or child. 

    • What will it mean if [father’s name] becomes a transgender woman (or mother’s name if the transgender parent is female)?  What effect, if any, might it have on the parent’s job? Current roles in the community or church? In turn, what impact might these potential changes have on our family?  How can we best support [father's name or mother's name] at this time?

      • For additional resources that may provide questions that can be adapted for discussion, see Responding to a Transgender Family Member and Talking to Your Children about Transgender Issues, from Focus on the Family.  If your children are teenagers, you may want to see Discussing Transgender Issues with Teens.  The section of this document, How can you give your son and daughter firm footing while still being sensitive to their feelings?, proposes potential discussion questions.  While these last two resources are not directed specifically at families with a transgender member, they present guidelines for parents to consider and discussion topics from a conservative Christian perspective and may be adapted by families where the children have questions about a transgender family member.​  

      • For an example of a more liberal Christian perspective, see this YouTube video of the first session of the Parents Course that is offered by FreedHearts, which addresses the topic, Addressing the Core Issues and Answering the Tough Questions. This talk is useful for two reasons: 1) It provides context for this family discussion, and 2) Although it focuses on the Christian parents of an LGBT child, many of the discussion points are still relevant for family members (other than parents) who have a transgender family member.

    • What will it mean if [brother’s name] becomes a transgender person (or [sister’s name] if the transgender sibling is female)?  If [brother/sister’s name] is school age, what effect, if any, might it have on his/her experiences in school (relationships with teachers, friends, and classmates)?  In turn, what impact might these changes have on [name(s) of other school age siblings] or [parents’ names]?  How can we best support [brother/sister's name] at this time?

  • Discuss what the Bible has to say on transgender identity.  Specific topics can be developed from the resources below.  Consider that even if you disagree with a particular perspective, it may be useful to understand the other point of view.

  • Go over the range of treatments that are available for transgender people.  There are a number of resources that describe these treatments in Etiology, Treatment, & Outcomes on this website.

    • For an example of a conservative Christian perspective on treatment, see Understanding Gender Dysphoria.

    • An example of a secular perspective on treatment is Standards of Care for for the Health of Transsexual, Transgender, and Gender Non-Conforming People. ​

    • A recent special report from Reuters discusses some of the challenging decisions families may have to consider when thinking about possible medical treatment for adolescents with gender dysphoria.

  • Have family discussions regarding how to best manage the effects of stigma related to the upcoming transition on all family members

    • What do our community members think about transgender people?  Does our family live in a conservative or liberal place? An urban or rural place?  How might these factors affect how we expect people in our community to react to the transition of [name of transgender family member]?  What kinds of actions can we as a family take to help deal with this?

    • How does the proposed timing of [transgender family member’s name]’s transition process fit with other family members’ needs?  

    • How can [child’s name]’s transition be best managed with his/her school?  What effect will this event have on [other sibling(s)’ names] who are school age, the [parents’ names] or [extended family members’ names]?

  • Look into the supportive resources that may be available in the community to help the family cope with the process.

    • What community resources are available to support all family members during [name of transgender family member]’s transition?  

      • Which family members or friends could we rely on?  

      • How supportive would our clergy or other church members be?  

      •  Are there mental health or physical health providers who might be able to help us deal with the transition? 

      • Are there other community organizations that could assist us during the transition?

 

*The citations on this page come from the research literature and other publications and are available upon request.

  1. White & Ettner, 2004

  2. Dierckx, 2017

  3. Boss, 1999

  4. Dierckx 2017

  5. Luthar & Cicchetti 2000

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